Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
