I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
