Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down