Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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