Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dating After Heartbreak
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.