Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
