I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
