This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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