I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
