it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
