in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
