Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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