I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
