I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
