every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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