your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
