If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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