Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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