So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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