On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
