she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
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You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
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You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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