My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him