my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
i think i just lost a toe
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
