i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
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