new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
