I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
