He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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