i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
