May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
