he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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