1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
