meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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