My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
