what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
