Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
