i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
