my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
