she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
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