Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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