just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
