Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
