I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
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I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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