Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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