someone threw a dead crab at me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
