I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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