Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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