dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
