Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
