Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
