So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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