filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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