help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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