My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
