she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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