i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
