I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
