I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
