This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
