It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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